


say you'll remember me

by shellbethereforlife



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clarke Griffin & John Murphy Friendship, Clexa, F/F, Soulmates, also, kind of, spoiler alert: clarke has to die to find lexa again whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 05:58:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6226627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellbethereforlife/pseuds/shellbethereforlife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You remembered how she told you love was weakness and you told her you could never stop caring about people you loved. “Then you put the people you care about in danger, and the pain will never go away”. And how awful was it that you both had been right? You never stopped caring, that’s why you hurt so much. And when she realized love was not weakness, was the moment you two were put in danger. And after that, after she was gone, well, the pain never went away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	say you'll remember me

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction and English is not my first language, so be gentle.  
> Also, this is canon up until 3x07, so I took things where I wanted them to go in case this fic was actually canon, meaning: I don't dive in on what happens right after Lexa dies (too painful) or how the skykru and the grounders found peace or jaha's storyline because whatever.  
> Oh, and next chapter is where the story really begins. While this chapter may be a little bit angst (I used this fic as way of letting go of some feelings), next one will hopefully be more fluff.  
> I hope you enjoy it.

You couldn’t breathe.

You felt like you would never get over the pain and you couldn’t breathe.

Every breath you took felt like a betrayal to her. How could you breathe and exist when your soulmate couldn’t? When she was dead?

When he, yep he, the one you never trusted, everywhere you went you felt his eyes on you, following you, but even then you didn’t think he would go as far as trying to kill you and your love for her. When he took her body away you didn’t even react. All you kept thinking was how right had everyone been by calling you Wanheda. You were the Commander of Death, not because you killed more people you cared to count. You were Wanheda because everyone who dared to love you ended up dead. And maybe that was your curse, the retribution you got for killing so many men, women and children.

When he took her body away you didn’t even react. You only did when Murphy hugged you. And how fitting was it that he, the one you once thought you hated, was also the only one there from your people to really honestly witness how you really felt about her? And in the end, you were so thankful for that, for how he somehow simply understood.

You were also grateful when weeks later he stood by your side when you entered Arkadia. Because as he stood by your side, he got as well the feeling you had of nostalgia or something else entirely. That feeling you get when you come home after a long time away and realize that place you once called home no longer means anything to you.

You’re also grateful when he explained to your mom why you broke down as soon as you entered her arms. How he explained to her how Lexa, _not Heda or the Commander of the 13 Clans_ , but Lexa, your lover, your soulmate, your partner, had died in your arms.

And you didn't realize, not in that moment anyway, how your mom kept strong. How her own heart was breaking seeing you so broken. How she only kept hugging you and telling you everything was going to be okay, even though she didn't believe it, not completely. Because she had seen you break down after your father, and after Finn, and then briefly after the mountain, but she had never seen you like this. And it truly surprised her how you, sky girl, had fallen in love with the most grounded girl there was, the one so stuck by her duties with her people, she didn't ever let go of the ground, not even to dream about the stars. And _you_ made her do that. _You_ made her happy, and she made you happy. Even if for only a moment.

And after that, breathing got a little bit easier. You still felt like there were a million bricks on your chest with every breath you took, but somehow, somewhere along the way, it got easier.

Maybe it was because of your mom, and Raven and Octavia and how you four could one day even laugh about how you all lost the people you loved more than anything.

Or maybe it was because in the end you really had to bear it so your people didn’t need to. You had a community to reconstruct after the whole Pike and Bellamy fiasco.

Also Bellamy, yeah… When you got back you couldn’t even look at his face. All you could think about was how he had murdered all those people. _Her_ people.

But he was there for you as well. You never trusted him again, not completely, not like before. But he helped rebuild Arkadia. You worked alongside him and somehow you guys rebuilt a tentative friendship as well.

However it was, you healed. A little bit, but yeah, you did.

Of course it still hurt like hell, like how tiny things reminded you of her. Like the first time you saw a live raccoon. That hurt a lot, and you couldn’t even smile a little bit at all the cuteness, because all you kept thinking about was the girl with raccoon eyes. _Your_ girl.

Or how every time you saw a candle, you couldn’t help but remember her. Remember how you made love to her for the first and last time. Remember how kind of extra she was, like really Lexa, lots of candles when the sunlight was still pouring in the room? Sometimes when you saw a candle, you would even smile. A sad and bittersweet smile, but one nevertheless.

And really, after all the work was done, and Arkadia and Polis and the whole grounder society began to move forward, all that was left for you was remembering her. You tried not to, but your efforts were in vain.

Before that you tried drawing, but that didn’t work very well either. You always ended up drawing her, and her tattoos, and her eyes and smile (the one that was exclusively for you) and every single detail. And then you stopped drawing, because really, after awhile it became just a little too much. For a little bit you feared you would forget how she looked at you over time, but there were enough drawings to make you remember for a lifetime. But you couldn’t bear to look at them for long, so you put them all in a box and hid it. There was only one you kept in sight. The one you didn’t get to finish while she was still alive, and couldn’t bear to finish after she was gone.

You kept it on your bedside. There was this one time you held it while you slept and when you woke up, you were so scared you had damaged it. You didn’t, but after that you never dared to do that again. Until you found it framed.

At first you had no idea who had done it, you thought it was maybe your mom, or Kane or even Murphy, but no. Months later you found out it had been Monty.

Sweet, sweet Monty. He more than anyone there deserved a happy ending. And he did get one, with Miller. You didn’t get to be close to them though, because somehow along the way you became a little bit bitter about other people’s happiness.

So yeah, when you could no longer draw, all that was left was remembering her.

You remembered everything.

The first time you saw each other. “You’re the one who burned 300 of my warriors alive” “You’re the one who sent them there to kill us”. _YOU’RE THE ONE_. That was such a forewarning. Too bad you only realized she was the one right before she died.

You remembered how she told you love was weakness and you told her you could never stop caring about people you loved. “Then you put the people you care about in danger, and the pain will never go away” And how awful was it that you both had been right? You never stopped caring, that’s why you hurt so much. And when she realized love was not weakness, was the moment you two were put in danger. And after that, after she was gone, well, _the pain never went away_.

And you remembered how she had told you “The dead are gone, _Klark_. The living are hungry”. And she had been right as well. After she was gone, you got so hungry. Not of food, even though for a whole while you could not eat. But of love. Yep, it’s cheesy but also so true. You were hungry of a feeling only she could give you. A feeling so precious and tender, even the word love sounded wrong when describing it.

You remembered how she had defended you from Quint, even though you barely knew each other then. “Attack her and you attack me”. And how right was that as well? Titus had attacked _you_ , and in the end that meant attacking _her_.

You also remembered and replayed in your mind the moment you think your feelings for her started to change. It was after you guys were attacked by the pauna, and you were sleeping and woke up scared. But she was there to tell you ‘you’re safe’. And she sounded so tender and loving you couldn’t help but feel butterflies in your stomach.

And you remembered the first kiss. You were amazed about how careful she was with you, about the mindfulness she had about your space when you pulled away from it. You wished you didn’t.

You wished you had forgiven her sooner after your encounter in Polis. Because then you could’ve had more time with her. You can’t help but feel greedy. You were so happy in those moments you two shared together.

You remembered saying goodbye to her, and how she almost told you “I love you”. You wished she had because then you would have been brave enough to say it back. You remembered saying goodbye and hoping it wasn’t forever. “Maybe someday you and I will owe nothing more to our people” “I hope so”. You did hope as well, every night you replayed that moment in your mind, hoping to one day find her again. Sometimes you dreamt of her, and in your dreams you were always happy, and every time you woke up you used to think: At least in my dreams someday has already arrived.

You remembered her saying “May we meet again”, with tears in her eyes, and how you couldn’t help but relive how you felt then. Because when that happened you thought about your last goodbyes, in Mount Weather, when with tears in her eyes as well, she betrayed you. And you thought about her bowing to you and swearing fealty to you and how in that moment, she finally chose you, heart finally over head. And that was the moment you could not resist anymore, you simply had to kiss her.

The same way she could not tell you she loved you, but showed her feelings with actions, well, the same way you showed her yours. You had to make her understand how you felt about her. Oh, and how you showed her! You had to.

She, the Commander of the 13 Clans, stood by you, crying and trembling and unsure and she looked at you like you were her sun and stars, and heaven and even hell. And she was so vulnerable, _you_ cried as well. Because who wouldn’t?

And despite everything, all the memories crushing you down every day, you survived. No, you didn’t live. Not really. The day she said you were right, that life was indeed about more than just surviving, well, that was the day you stopped living.

You just made it. You just survived.

Until the day you didn’t.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It happened 5 years after you fell from the sky. Really. It was the anniversary of the day your life changed forever.

You remembered telling her about it, about how you were sent to earth exactly one month before your birthday.

And when this day came, you were actually terrified of your birthday. Terrified at the prospect of ever surpassing her in age. That’s why you had this weight in your stomach, nothing to do with intuitions, you told yourself.

And if you could have known something was going to happen, you would’ve probably thought about how much of an ironic coincidence it was that she died on the tenth anniversary of her Ascension Day, and you died on the 5 year anniversary of your arrival on Earth, and how oddly enough you were both the same age when it happened.

“There are no coincidences, _Klark_. Only the universe and the old spirits conspiring for things to happen a certain way at a certain time.” No, she didn’t say that to you. But you have no doubt in your mind that’s exactly what she would say in that moment.

 

He came just after noon, and at first you had no idea how he had known which day to come. But then you remembered that when you were telling her about your first day on the ground, he was nearby, probably eavesdropping ~~(that fucker…)~~.

Even though peace had been achieved within the 13 clans, the people standing guard asked for your permission to let him in. For a second you thought about saying no, about leaving him outside. But you felt you were ready for forgiveness. 4 years had passed after Lexa’s death and it was time you took the first step to move on (even though in your heart, you knew you never could, not entirely). So you told them to let him in.

You received him in a vacant room. Murphy wanted to be there with you, but you told him (and your mom as well) that this was something you needed to do alone.

He stared at the knife ( _Lexa_ ’s knife) that you kept attached at your waist. It was the only thing you kept of her after you left Polis. That was the knife Lexa used to defend you from Quint, it was also the knife she gave you to execute justice on Emerson and you refused. Titus looked like he wanted an explanation for it, but you gave him none.

After a few moments of silence, he finally told you why he was there. As you expected he was there to ask for forgiveness, which you were quite ready to give him, but he didn’t stop talking.

He looked so much older then you couldn’t stop noticing, and after staring at him long enough you realized that his eyes were what made him look so old. They had this glint of sadness and guilt. And for a second you pitied him. You would have that same glint had you killed the most important person in your life (and you remembered Finn and how for a while you thought you would never get over killing him, only to weeks later realize he was not indeed that important).

You were so deep into thought you almost didn’t catch a part of his rant. “… and that’s why I tried to kill you like I did with Costia, because you were coming in between Lexa and her duties”.

You took a step back “YOU DID _WHAT_?”

He was speechless, just staring at you.

“ _You killed Costia??!_ You were the reason Lexa suffered so much! The reason she didn’t believe she actually deserved to be happy! You were supposed to be her father figure, but all you did was give her heartbreak and death. _And now you stand here and ask for_ my _forgiveness?_ ”

A second later you were attacking him with Lexa’s knife. Too bad it had been years since you last killed someone.

It took a while for you to figure out you were the one wounded. With your own knife, Lexa’s knife.

Even being quite ~~fucking~~ old his instincts kicked in. He tried to help you after though, but you just backed away from him. Then he wasn’t in the room anymore.

You thought you heard distant screams but didn’t care to pay attention. All you could do was to look at this light pouring into the room and warming you (there were no windows in that room).

You felt someone touching your stomach, probably trying to stop the bleeding, and for a second you thought you heard your mother’s voice, but you couldn’t see anyone. Only that light that reminded you of Lexa’s room on the last day you spent together.

 

And then you heard it. Her voice.

 

_"In peace may you leave the shore._

_In love may you find the next._

_Safe passage on your travels..._

_Until our final journey on the ground._

_May we meet again.”_

**Author's Note:**

> So, that was it.  
> Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is going to be a really short fic. Only 2 more chapters planned.  
> You can also find me on tumblr shellbethereforlife, I don't stay on tumblr much (too painful) but if you have any question, feel free to find me. :)


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